I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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