He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
