Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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