At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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