WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
