He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize