If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i was born a porn star she said
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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