Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
