Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
