If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
