if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
