sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
