Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I would fuck him just for his dog
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
