Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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