I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
