Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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