Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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