This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
