So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
