Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
