Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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