Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
