Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Randomize
