How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
