I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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