I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
