I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
