She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
