i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
