Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
