2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
