I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
