Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
How naked do you want me to be?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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