jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
