So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
