If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?