Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes