I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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