If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
No subtext here. People are naked.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
