Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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