What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
