Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
