The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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