I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
