He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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