The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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