he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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