Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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