hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
