it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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