My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
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I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
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He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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