Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Houston, we have a blender
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
