someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
