I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
