I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
