I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
