I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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